what if i could be fired?
When I was first learning to stop thinking and listen, to follow where He was leading, I struggled. Not that I don’t struggle now, don’t get me wrong. I am very far from perfect and fail continually. It is the despair of this broken world and broken me that I fight to conquer. But the beginning, learning how to submit at all, learning how to open myself to new ways of doing things, it was a different kind of struggle. There are so many jobs to be done, not all of which are fun (Hello, dishes and laundry. Why don’t you every get done and go away? Oh, you like being my archenemy? Well, then.). Children to serve, husband to serve, house to keep, relationships to make and pursue, lawn work that I don’t even make it out to some days. So many things to get done on top of actually living life. A clean house and fed family can’t be all that there is to do.
Every night I would scrub the days dishes and sing “Sweet Will of God”. I would fight myself, talk to myself about how in the world to let go of my will and immerse myself in His. I was not getting far. Then it occurred to me, this is my job. This – the cleaning, the homemaking, the child rearing – is my job right now. This is called and needed of me. What if I travelled back in time and was working at the bookstore again. What if my manager came to me and said, “Look, I have this job that needs to be done. If you can’t get it done, we’re going to have to let you go and find someone who fits.” Well, by golly, I would do everything in my power to figure out how to get the job done. I am a resourceful worker and if I can’t figure it out, I’ll get help and the job will get done.
What if, by not figuring out how to joyfully take on these tasks needed of me at this time of life, God got fed up and said, “Okay. You are unwilling to do this. Time to find someone who will.”
Thought experimenting these ultimatums and boundaries spurred me to conquer. I don’t want anyone taking over this job. I want to be the one loving and raising these kids. I want to be the one to prove to my husband that I can be a good wife and helper. The thought of someone taking over this role is just not okay.
For the specific tasks of homemaking, I found help in the way of FlyLady, tips on meal planning, the doing-the-worst-first concept but mostly lots and lots of prayer. Asking God to heal my heart, to help reframe my tasks so that I might find them enjoyable, to lead me to joy in all things. In His faithfulness, I would usually feel the joy for a bit. Gradually, facing the tasks I didn’t want to do became easier. My understanding of the seasons of life and the ever changingness of my family’s needs grew into a place I could (usually) conquer the job with joy.